let me just try and get this out into one nice, cohesive little package.
It’s kind of funny, I get on Tumblr whenever my emotions get worked up. Even when the people that I really actually know are the ones who have probably never even heard of Tumblr (with the exception of a spare few…) So if I’m spitting into the wind, okay.
I feel as if I’m drowning. I keep screwing up and screwing myself over. I’m better than what I’m slowly becoming. And what’s worse, all my faults are being exposed. Salt on a freaking wound. I just want to hide from it all, or move on away from it.
But, this place is where I’m grounded. Whenever I think about the future, what kind of life I would want to have and with who I would want to have it with, it always involves things and people that are in Tulsa. But deep down, this place is pulling me down into the undertow, and I know it. I need something to change, but just not all of it.
I was driving tonight after watching a late movie with a few friends. Just aimlessly driving. And even though it’s practically 18 degrees outside, I rolled my windows down just to feel. Then I realized: this is my life. I’m on cruise control. I’ve come up with this theory that I am not defined by what I achieve, and I am not defined by my failures; however, I am defined by who I want to be after the fact. But because of that, I have lost all my drive towards trying to accomplish anything at all. Though that outlook on life is correct (in my opinion), it isn’t the only way I should be living.
I still don’t know what I want, and I don’t know what that means.
I’m scared. I’m reckless. I’m petty. I’m growing.
